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Finally, Death Gets Some Respect

by Douglas Anthony Cooper

CNN at last has the decency to acknowledge the good work I’ve been doing in Iraq:

“War has wiped out about 655,000 Iraqis or more than 500 people a day since the U.S.-led invasion, a new study reports.”Violence including gunfire and bombs caused the majority of deaths but thousands of people died from worsening health and environmental conditions directly related to the conflict that began in 2003, U.S. and Iraqi public health researchers said.”The Washington Post elaborates:”The estimate, produced by interviewing residents during a random sampling of households throughout the country … is more than 20 times the estimate of 30,000 civilian deaths that President Bush gave in a speech in December.”Sometimes I approve of euphemisms like “collateral damage” — I can get some nice killing done under the radar. But once I’ve managed to actually take out some 600,000 innocents, it’s nice to have, you know, a bit of acknowledgment. I have mixed feelings about WaPo’s title for their piece: Study Claims Iraq’s ‘Excess’ Death Toll Has Reached 655,000. I guess it’s redeemed by the quotation marks – some copy editor had the good taste to realize that there’s no such thing as an ‘excess’ of Me.”In the year ending in June, the team calculated Iraq’s mortality rate to be roughly four times what it was the year before the war.”

Rock on.

“‘The Department of Defense always regrets the loss of any innocent life in Iraq or anywhere else,’ said Lt. Col. Mark Ballesteros. ‘The coalition takes enormous precautions to prevent civilian deaths and injuries.'”

Republicans are, in general, good at “enormous precautions.” When it comes to hurricanes, nubile young pages, innocent civilians… even American soldiers (witness the cool, top-of-the-line body armor they’ve budgeted for). That’s why I heart these guys.

Friends, midterm elections are coming up: those of you who appreciate the bang-up job I’ve been doing removing almost-enemies of the United States of America (I mean, they’re the wrong color — “macaca-colored,” as my good friend George Allen would josh — and hardly tithing Baptists), will perhaps consider a vote for the Party of Death.

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