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Death Launches a Diary on Daily Kos

by Douglas Anthony Cooper

Greetings, mortal Koslings.

I know that this site has some very powerful figures weighing in – senators, congressmen, and the like – but I suspect that I’m the first Eternal Force, Demonic, Ineluctable and Metaphysical, to grace your pages. And yes, I am a Republican, but I hope that you will welcome me nevertheless. (Not that anyone has ever had a choice in this matter.)

I go by many names – including, ironically, “He Who Shall Not Be Named” – but no need for archaic formalities, as I’m convinced that we’re going to be friends: my colleagues just call me Death. As does Mom.

It was a difficult decision to launch this diary on Daily Kos rather than freerepublic.com (my natural home), but it seems to me that here is where I can initiate the most fruitful dialogue, and perhaps gain converts.

Some, I know, will dismiss me as a troll. I assure you, however, that I am sincere: I wish, through the unaided power of reason, to convince you to join the Party of Death. (Alternately, I may well take your firstborn. But until then, let’s chat.)

Join with me; the benefits are palpable. Republicans have long been my allies – very much a coalition of the willing – and look at the results they have reaped. How many Democrats have made a decent killing in Iraq? Whereas, if you examine these graphs, courtesy of HalliburtonWatch.org, you’ll see that my friends have done rather well indeed:

Rather well. Don’t you wish that you’d gotten in at ground zero? Don’t you wish that you’d managed 16 billion dollars in revenue, rather than sitting at home and whining about an “unjust war”?

Justice seems to be something of an obsession here. I can relate to this: it’s a hobby of mine as well – justice, judgment, punishment, etc. But let’s put that aside for the moment. What rankles me is the insistence, at Daily Kos, that this war somehow involves incompetence. I hear this all the time: the administration is “incompetent” in its pursuit of the war in Iraq.

Excuse me. Please refer again to the graphs above. The rate of return, plotted against the rate of me, is unimpeachable. Can you claim any investments that have proven this sound; this predictable; this reliably lucrative? Friends – and you are my friends, I hope – let’s accept the facts here: I deliver. To join with me – Halliburton’s an old and valued associate – is to embrace a Sure Thing. Is this “incompetence”? Do you think this exercise in wealth creation is somehow accidental?

Friends, I add value. That’s what I do. And to embrace me, is to embrace values. I’m all about values. Family values. Wartime values (it moved me deeply when my very good friend, that president you so malign, endorsed special courses to teach values to our soldiers in the field). And let’s face it, the Democratic Party – as so often stressed by Fox News (where I am a Consultant and Invisible Anchor) – is sorely lacking in values.

I have decided to introduce myself, at this precise time, for a reason. It concerns the news, in fact – which I consider an intimate affair ( I generally am the news. And this week’s news, which you are celebrating in such an unseemly fashion, is centered on your putative “success” in the ousting of Senator Joseph Lieberman.

Friends. Please. You have managed to eject the one member of your party who understands what I offer, in terms of added value. Yes, the kiss of Bush is the kiss of Death, but not in the sarcastic sense you so insist upon. By kissing my friend, Joe Lieberman did indeed kiss me, and that makes him eligible – unlike you – to cash in on some of that added value that I bring to the table.

No, Senator Lieberman is not a major shareholder at Halliburton (or we would have met at board meetings), but he too will benefit hugely from his association with me. When bombs go off on trains in Europe, or even America – and I suspect, I deeply suspect, that they will – do you think those casualties will add value to Ned Lamont’s campaign? Do you think he’ll be able to capitalize on my gifts? Don’t be naive. It’s Joe Lieberman, independent Joe, who will reap the benefits. Death meansvotes, my friends. This is something you can readily embrace, even if you think that profiteering is a touch crass. And votes mean democracy. It’s a simple formula.

I’m not suggesting you register as Republicans – not immediately. That’s a huge conceptual leap, and you might be uncomfortable when explaining this leap to friends at your Radical Leftwing Gatherings. But consider – please consider – supporting Joe Lieberman in his lonely campaign for his former sinecure. I assure you, I shall be standing by his side.

Yours in future collaboration,



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